WTF
You Might Also Like
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”