Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.