I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?