Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.