I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
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My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.