I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
You Might Also Like
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
mood
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs