The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex