How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.