I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family