Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
You Might Also Like
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.