Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
💁🏻♂️
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.