yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh