Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
You Might Also Like
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
our love story in four pictures
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
this is literally a CIA plant
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”