[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
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*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”