Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.