My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
(more comics:
I have obtained a hat
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.