Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
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Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’m giving up ice.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Just a friendly reminder!
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last