I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Catercrombie & Fish
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh