My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
welp
Sniffing the broccoli
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I bet
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit