[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
the noise i just made
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?