The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
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I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Stonehinge
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken