“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
yeah not falling for this one
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us