I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I’m literally crying
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston