Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins