Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
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Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I really had high hopes for this year though
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)