Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You Might Also Like
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
🤣✨#caturday
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!