[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.