Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
How dramatic are you?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.