The two types of wives
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Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The 6 types of sex
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua