Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
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“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?