Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
You Might Also Like
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I like long walks away from everyone
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?