*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line