one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.