Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*