“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
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Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
knights of the ikea table
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.