My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
You Might Also Like
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.