My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate