In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.