me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My Sentiments Exactly
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.