The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.