He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.