‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
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My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge