“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
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Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
still the best tweet of the year by far
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.