If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
You Might Also Like
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
*aggressively waits in line*
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.