friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
my mind
You just read my mind
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
i think my razor is having a panic attack
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Knock Knock
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.