Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho