Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.