Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.