Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
So inspired right now.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”