me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
LOL!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police